i just had a stone in my shoe.
that was crazy.

i've got squinty eyes.. i just looked in the mirror.
fuck. oh no!

i had a fag out my window.
it was naice.
but my mum will probs have a go coz i only put the hoodie against the door when i was half way thro.. & i probably stuck the house out.
HAHAHAHA.
YES.
brilliant.

i put out half a fag.
i couldn't be bothered to chip it.
because i couldn't handle it after THE J.. PUSSY.
aaaaah what have i done?!?!!!?!?!!!??

i never thought i'd say this but..

i miss school.
oh god, i do i do i doooo!
it was just so easy & so full of laughs.
& now college is shit.
possible the only upside is that its basically non-uniform every day, hah.

i was reading through my year book tonight :\

"you make me giggle and i enjoy the coffees in the garden! i practically live at your house and have adopted your mum."
"i love you han and we won't ever loose touch coz it's not something we can give up, we've got more friday nights in prettygate to go!"
"and in our history lesson when we tried to scan our faces & bums before the cover teacher came in.. yeah hannah suttling, you got caught in a rather sexy position!"
"i don't think i've ever met anyone whose made me laugh as much as you."
"i'll never forget the time you made the whole chemistry class sing happy birthday and it wasn't even anybodys birthday."
"you're an amazing person with an awesome personality."
"good luck hannah, you make me lol."
"ah fuck it! you know how much i love you han, you really have made these past few years the most enjoyable. see you in sizth form with my double ee's! .. i wish i was talking about my bra size but unfortunatley i'm not."
"so many memories ranging from nick's party & the infamous 'pete - do you work out?' then falling down the stairs to the after party.. but we won't go into that haha you nuttah sluttling!"
"i wish you all the best babe and i know you will achieve anything. i have faith in you. i love you lots hannah suttling."
"thank you for being suck a wicked friend mate."
"babe you're a bright girl, a good laugh, fun to be around & there to talk to when i need you. those 5 years wouldn't have been the same without you."
"next year, sixth form. some quality hannah time. don't get pregnant at college juno! ps, there was no shit or fags in the limo, there was a broken glass though?"


"i love you hannah sLuttling, never gonna get rid of the 'pach'. i mean it, ever. one day han we will run through the field in pyjamas and wizard hats.. oh, and maybe one day you'll get them back hahaha."
i think this one hurt the most. it's fromR.
& we've drifted so far apart.. you used to be my best friend, babe.


FUCK I WANNA GO BACK.

They'll be making sure you stay amused
They'll fill you up with drugs and booze
Maybe you'll make the evening news

And when you're tripping over your dreams
They'll keep you down by any means
and by the end of the night you'll be stifling your screams

Since you became a VIPerson
It's like your problems have all worsened
Your paranoia casts aspersions
On the truths you know

And they'll just put you in the spotlight
And hope that you'll do alright
Or maybe not

Now why do you wanna go and put starz in their eyes?
Why do you wanna go and put starz in their eyes?
So why do you wanna go and put starz in their eyes?
Now why do you wanna go and put starz in their eyes?
Starz in their eyes?

Remember they said you'd show them all
Emphasise the rise but not the fall
And now you're playing a shopping mall

Your mum and dad they can't believe
What you appear to have achieved
While the rest of these users are just laughing in their sleeves

Since you became a VIPerson
It's like your problems have all worsened
Your paranoia casts aspersions
On the truths you know

And now the tabloids use your face
To document your fall from grace
And then they'll tell you that that's just the way it goes
That's just the way it goes

Now why do you wanna go and put starz in their eyes?
It's the same old story well they just didn't realise
And it's a long way to come from the dog and duck karaoke machine
And Saturday night's drunken dreams

Now why do you wanna go and put starz in their eyes?
It's the same old story well they just didn't realise
And it's a long way to come from your private bedroom dance routines
And Saturday night's drunken dreams

Now why do you wanna go and put starz in their eyes?
Why do you wanna go and put starz in their eyes?
So why do you wanna go and put starz in their eyes?
Now why do you wanna go and put starz in their eyes?
Starz in their eyes?

Now why do you wanna go and put starz in their eyes?
It's the same old story well they just didn't realise
And it's a long way to come from the dog and duck karaoke machine
And Saturday night's drunken dreams

(When I grow up im going to be famous)

Behind the steel barrier and sequence and glitter
Five inch heels still knee deep in the litter
Each of them a bitter bullshitter,
Wrapped up in the cloak of fake glamour, getting lost in the camera
Well footprints are fools gold, diamonds crusts on their one off plimsolls
So little time for these one off arseholes
Rigour mortis Ken and Barbie dolls,
A pair of big shades and a push up bra,
It's such a short gap between the gutter and stars,
That you've come a long way from the place that you started
So why'd you wanna go and get so down hearted

Welcome to the kingdom of the blagger
Uncutting you nose clean, coating you bladder
A whole lot happier a whole lot sadder,
Used to be satisfied but now you feel like Mick Jagger,

Now why do you wanna go and put starz in their eyes?
It's the same old story well they just didn't realise
And it's a long way to come from the dog and duck karaoke machine
And Saturday night's drunken dreams

Now why do you wanna go and put starz in their eyes?
It's the same old story well they just didn't realise
And it's a long way to come from your private bedroom dance routines
And Saturday night's drunken dreams

you know what

fuck you.
i never seriously thought that i'd say this about you but it's true.
i wish you'd just fuck off and that i'd never met ya.
i wish we didn't laugh as much as we do.
i wish we couldn't talk about anything.

you really piss me off sometimes.
and you don't even realise that you're doing it.
it's like you don't give a shit anymore.

so from now on that's exactly what i'm going to do.

i don't think you know just how much i care for you.
i'd do anything for you.
loves a big word and i don't just throw it around.
but obviously you do.

and that's ok - there are others out there so much better then you.
i've found them alright but i always come back, you know i do.
and i don't know why.
i get myself into so many arguments because of you and seriously, whats the point?

look how much i'm using the word 'you'.
you wanna know why? because it always has to be about you.
and what you want.
you can't tell me what to do anymore.
i'm not gonna listen.
i'm sick of your shit.

come talk to me once you realise the whole world doesn't want to lick your ass.
or maybe for once i won't be there for you.

Tattoo

I've wanted a new one for ages and have finally decided which one I really want and it just so happens to be something which really pisses of my rents! Brilliant! I think it's just because they don't understand though; for me tattoos aren't just symbols or pretty pictures they're them to represent someones pain - they're scars. Yeah I've been through shit that I don't like talking about and these are just my ways of expressing how I feel.

Like the swallow on my ankle for instance. It actually means something to me rather then just a fashion statement. Where ever they are in the world swallows always fly home. It represents loyalty to my family. Or the ones I like anyway, hah.

Where am I gonna get my next tattoo? I'm getting two. One on each of my wrists. I got the idea from one of my favourite songs that makes me cry every single time I listen to it. It's by a band called Bright Eyes and called 'No Lies, Just Love'. And that is what is getting tattooed onto my body. On one wrist 'No Lies' and on the other 'Just Love'.

It's a really beautiful song that normally I wouldn't listen to as its just so depressing but the lyrics just really get to me and I listened to it loads at a certain point in my life. I googled the lyrics too and some people have already got the same tattoo which is annoying but gives me inspiration. It'll probably look something like the one below.

The past two weeks.

Have pretty much been mental.
I'm so poor now though that I've had to start buying baccy and a combo pack because it's cheaper then fags. But it's my fault though because I spent all my money on weed and drink. Yep, I spent the money I earned on myself instead of buying presents for my fammo. I feel bad but have a plan about how I'm gonna get it back. It just better work or I'm gonna hit B and tell her she's a twat, looools.

I've just been spending all my days at H's house monged really, only resurfacing to the real world when we need munch or to meet other people. Either there or down the bench or Room 101. I don't actually know why it's called Room 101 because it hasn't even got a number. And it's not really a room. It's like this space above Wilkinson's car park with loads of trolleys and you can smoke there so P decided to call it Room 101. He's strange but a babe, I love him. He's like my older brother who hugs me when I'm cold and feeds me wotsits.

ALAN! ALAN! ALAN! AL? no, fuck off! no get away from us, nononono! I love H and B. They're massive babes.

S came down from Clacton for two days and I'm not gonna lie but those two days were fucking wicked. She's actually so funny that I pee myself a little. Ok, maybe not. But you get the idea. Imagine if I did actually randomly wet myself. How weird would that be? Like; "I GOTTA GO NOW GUYS, I CAN'T HOLD IT!" and just pissed on the floor. Sounds like something R would do come to think of it hahahaha.

ntorhktoehtoer arrrrrgh.
I can't be bothered to type anymore.
There's still loads to say though but I'm a lazy mofo.

Now, now, we go until they kick us out, out
Or the police shut us down, down
Police shut us down, down
Po-po shut us dowwwwwn.

imissu.

I really don't know what to say.
I mean what can you really do when someone you care about just told you that they want to die in Afghanistan.

A; I know it was never easy for us and that's because of me, I didn't want to get close to you. I don't know why but I just didn't; I was never in it for the long run. Whilst sometimes it was good, really good, I just didn't have the same feelings you had for me. You were in love and I was just drifting, I didn't want to commit. But then there were bad times, really bad. I just remember seeing that little glint in your eyes when you got angry and you'd always take it out on me; I swear that one time you came towards me I actually thought you were going to hit me. Really and truly.

But I don't want you to die. Ok, I don't love you.. but I still care. Isn't that enough for you? I know you said I had to give you all or nothing but I can't, not when my hearts not fully in it. I don't know maybe one day it could have been but I was just more interested in seeing my friends and hanging out with other people then spending every single moment with you.
Now though it's all changed. How could you just spring that up on me? It's only 27 days and then you'll be gone and I might never see you again.. I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can just let you go - knowing what you want to happen. I don't know why you're so unhappy and it actually kills me to think about the fact that I may be the reason :\


If this here is the end then Im'ma find Cupid and put him in a head lock.

F; Yeah, ok. It's you I want. I admit it. I can't help it when you're so adorably cute. Why can't we just go back to how we were? Before all the shit and rumours. We drifted and I don't like it because.. I really liked you. But now we're starting to get close again but I know you don't trust me and it's really annoying because you should. Honestly. At your gig when you were playing drums and you looked me dead in the eyes as you played our song. Then you mouthed along the lyrics, how could I forget?

Someone like you and all you know and how you speak. You know that I could use somebody.

M; You're my dealer and my lover. How is this even possible? This should be wrong for so many reasons but it feels so right. You'll never replace F but you'll do for now. But you're S's best friend and if I end up hurting you then I'll hurt him too. What to do, what to do..

You'll never read this R and I'm glad because now I can just rant about how much I hate you right now. Like seriously, wtf? We used to be so close! But then over the summer holidays I started hanging out with different people and you didn't like it. You're so controlling that it felt I could only be your friend as I used up so much time on you. Time that's now wasted and I'll never get back. It's not my fault you're stuck in Mersea all the time - you chose that. I invited you out so many times but you just didn't want to know because you don't like them. Why? Do they intimidate you? Or was it because you couldn't have me all to yourself? I'm not yours. Schools over and its time to grow up. Stop trying to take H and B away from me as well; you're doing to them what you did to me. Except I broke free of it and soon they will too and see you for what you really are.

L, K, K, V, S, C - You are all I need. My girls. Yeah we're insane and get up to crazy shit but I wouldn't wanna do it with anyone else. We bring the lol's.

J; I don't actually think you realise just how much I miss you. It was so weird when I came back from yours because I'd turn around expecting you to be there but you weren't; I'd go to just chat shit with you but then remember you were like 8695815064 miles away. Or like 5 hours on the train, whichever way you wanna look at it, hah. Seriously those couple of days were actually sososo good and there was never a minute when I wasn't laughing (at you) or just smiling. Now I'm typing this and missing you. It sucks. Why can't you just be here by my side always?

R; We don't talk as much as we did at one point and I hate that. We were actually so close and now it just feels like we're drifting. It's not your fault or mine; we've both just got so much shit going on. Like you with HHH (lols) and me with.. everything. But one day when I've got my act together it can go back to how it was. I'm still you're Auntie Han, promise. You can still always come to me when you need me; I'll never let you down.

Oh god.
Did I really just type all this?